How lovely.

“Can you understand? Can I make you understand somehow? You have begun to mean the world; you have begun to mean poetry and heartbeats and inexplicable mood reactions and songs and scents and conflicting words which do not match yet somehow match. You are not only a series of question marks and abstract references: You are meaning itself. You are a bright inner composure of numerous elements. Now can you possibly understand - I am merely words. I used to believe I was merely words and I do not know whether I shall start hoping for something more. You planted that sense of hope in a secret deeply hidden place; it had walls made of bricks and huge abandoned gardens full of despair. It was covered in dusty waves and it was kept underground where no soul would ever walk. And you walked there - you planted hope. And now I cannot imagine myself without it.”
Kaherine Mansfield, Selected Letters

And sometimes I find myself with high hopes, only to be let down.

it makes my heart hurt.

I'll survive... I suppose.

Explore. Travel. Get Lost.

"Did you know, you can quit your job, you can leave university? You aren’t legally required to have a degree, it’s a social pressure and expectation, not the law, and no one is holding a gun to your head. You can sell your house, you can give up your apartment, you can even sell your vehicle, and your things that are mostly unnecessary. You can see the world on a minimum wage salary, despite the persisting myth, you do not need a high paying job. You can leave your friends (if they’re true friends they’ll forgive you, and you’ll still be friends) and make new ones on the road. You can leave your family. You can depart from your hometown, your country, your culture, and everything you know. You can sacrifice. You can give up your $5.00 a cup morning coffee, you can give up air conditioning, frequent consumption of new products. You can give up eating out at restaurants and prepare affordable meals at home, and eat the leftovers too, instead of throwing them away. You can give up cable TV, Internet even. This list is endless. You can sacrifice climbing up in the hierarchy of careers. You can buck tradition and others’ expectations of you. You can triumph over your fears, by conquering your mind. You can take risks. And most of all, you can travel. You just don’t want it enough. You want a degree or a well-paying job or to stay in your comfort zone more. This is fine, if it’s what your heart desires most, but please don’t envy me and tell me you can’t travel. You’re not in a famine, in a desert, in a third world country, with five malnourished children to feed. You probably live in a first world country. You have a roof over your head, and food on your plate. You probably own luxuries like a cellphone and a computer. You can afford the $3.00 a night guest houses of India, the $0.10 fresh baked breakfasts of Morocco, because if you can afford to live in a first world country, you can certainly afford to travel in third world countries, you can probably even afford to travel in a first world country. So please say to me, “I want to travel, but other things are more important to me and I’m putting them first”, not, “I’m dying to travel, but I can’t”, because I have yet to have someone say they can’t, who truly can’t. You can, however, only live once, and for me, the enrichment of the soul that comes from seeing the world is worth more than a degree that could bring me in a bigger paycheck, or material wealth, or pleasing society. Of course, you must choose for yourself, follow your heart’s truest desires, but know that you can travel, you’re only making excuses for why you can’t. And if it makes any difference, I have never met anyone who has quit their job, left school, given up their life at home, to see the world, and regretted it. None. Only people who have grown old and regretted never traveling, who have regretted focusing too much on money and superficial success, who have realized too late that there is so much more to living than this."

Wunderkammer: Did You Know

Photo by: Jeff Shanes, Oregon Coast

The Future:

Lately I feel like I've been thinking alot about the future... I have so many dreams and aspirations in life and believe personally I've accomplished alot for someone such as myself. I've tried so hard, gave it my all, and don't plan in any way to give up. Because I have so much time ahead of me. I mean I'm only 22...

I really look forward to moving to Portland with my very good friend Tess. To go to school finally at a university rather than a community college will be a awesome step in my life. And to finally move out of my parents house will solidify finally being independent for me. I look forward to this day that's just around the corner so much.

I'm going to miss my family, Eugene, friends, and the many places the city and country here has to offer me. But to a bigger city with so much opportunity for me will be an amazing thing for me to finally conquer. I have so many plans for myself while I'm in Portland. Finally obtaining my Bachelors Degree is on the top of the list, as well as networking with the many amazing photographers and models that reside in Portland, and even possibly changing or adding an agency if its possible.

We shall see.

Oh the places I shall go, and the things that I shall do.

I cannot wait, I'm beyond excited for this adventure and new chapter to start.

A Little Trip.

I went on a lovely little trip to the coast recently and had so much fun! I stayed the night with the lovely photographer and friend Haley Graham! We woke up bright and early and went to pick up a fellow model Megan Markus! Us girlies traveled to the Cannon Beach area and it was such a fun trip talking about modeling, photography, life, and current events. :) I can't wait to be in Portland soon so I can meet up with either of them from time to time! Soon soon soon I shall embark on a new adventure. And I just can't wait.

Here's some photos from our adventure:

love.love.love.

I love winter & snowboarding.

Snow.

I always loved going to the snow when I was younger. And of course I still do. It's beautiful driving up and down and watching how the scenery changes as you get into central oregon.

My family and I would take weekend trips to bend all the time when I was younger. I miss it so much. And I came to realize driving up and back with friends was of course different and the drive itself was a long one. To this day I still can't understand how in the world my dad would get off work after a long day of driving (he use to delivered freight) and then drive us all up to bend in the crazy snowy weather. He's such an amazing man. I love him so much and am so greatful for all he has done for me and my mom too. The amount of things he's accomplished back then and now too considering the state he's in.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. But then I realize everything happens for a reason, and the paths we journey on have some sort of adventure, and some sort of way of working out for the best and never for the worst.

Well...

Summer is over, fall is here and shortly it will be gone. Onto winter unfortunately. Its crazy how time flys by. But as time flys by I find that things are changing, I'm changing. Soon enough the new year will be here, and with a new year comes new things, experiences, friends, adventures.

 

And I cannot wait, I cannot wait to embark on a new adventure.

 

Finally awarding myself with my associates degree, I find myself finally deciding what I really want to do. I've always wanted to move to Portland, and this year was suppose to be the year. I was so upset when I found that it just wasn't possible considering how expensive it is living there and not having a roommate.

 

But talking with one of my best friends we decided we would move together and I will be earning my bachelor's degree at Portland State and she'll go to school for her masters. I'm so excited to finish up this school year and finally move somewhere new and start an adventure of my own.

 

Wish me luck! :)

It's so weird how distance can change things.

Head in the clouds...

I get so unbelievably frustrated with people.
I don't understand people. I just don't.
and basically what I don't get is how they can be so
mean and rude. Like it's some disease to them that just
fills them up, never letting it escape them.

I feel sorry for them in a way. But why should I.
I don't deserve their rudeness, their insincerity.
I should just move on. But it's so hard, it eats away
at me from time to time. Bringing old things up that hurt.
That should just go away and never come back.
Things that shouldn't be said or done.

The phrase were all human comes to mind.
But sometimes being human isn't an excuse.
You have no right of passage to be unjust in a way that
makes others feel as badly as I feel.

I'll be leaving soon, and I'll be happy to have left you.

Always adjust those sails.

Hmph.

It's just one of those things...

I hope I can become happier soon.

because I'm not really..

right now.

Decisions....

I'm excited.

Lately I've been trying to decide what I want to do after I'm done with school here in Eugene, and I've decided I want to move. Not far away or anything (calm down mom and dad) haha. I just want to move to Portland, I just feel as though everything is there for me, modeling, school, a new adventure and scene than Eugene has to offer. I think I've decided to go this coming fall, and move up during the end of summer most likely. Hopefully I get accepted, because this is my plan, and I hope it works! Alt plan would be to go to OSU... butttt I don't really want to go there, its boring...and small.. and I can't transfer jobs. Which is lame. So going to open house at the Art Institute and apply and get accepted (hopefully) hehe.

Wish me luck!

true story.

Which then made me think of all of the people that have been there for me. I appriciate them so much it's unbelieveable. I'm so greatful for all the family and friends I have that have been able to put up with me and support me with all my accomplishments so far in my life. It makes me happy to have family and friends like the ones I have currently in my life.

But to the people who wern't able to stick around, wern't able to accept me for who I am, who took advantage of our friendship for their own advantage, for the fake friends, and the people who doubt me. I'm sorry for your loss. Because I believe I am a beautiful person and a wonderful friend.

Life is to unbelieveably short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of your life.

Move forward. Keep going. Dream. Wish. Believe in yourself.

Because I sure do.

Yessss.

Wowzers.

I just cannot believe another year has flown by. It's really crazy to think about. And every thing that has happened. My life has taken some crazy roads and it's gotten a little bumby.. theres been a few pot holes, hitch hikers, and wrong turns. But though it all it's been an adventure. And guess what.. I love adventures. Their my absolute favorite. In 2011 there are plenty of wonderful memories I'll keep in my heart, but to the rest...well I leave them in the past because I must keep pushing on. Life does nothing but fly forward, so now its 2012. I'm 21. And I have lots to accomplish in the new year.

Here we go. Wish me luck.

Hm.

I hate that feeling of not accomplishing something... or feeling like I'll never be able to do something in my life that I want to do so greatly. Feeling like I'm suppressed or something. Never to be able to explore. To be free. I want to be free so badly.

she was..

She was beautiful.

But she was beautiful in the way a forest fire was beautiful;

something to be admired from a distance.

Not up close.